Neowhig - The Smart Party for Smart People, & You

(Juneau)-- Chester "Chest" Notgerman, Neo-WHIG presidential candidate, briefly met with Canadian medical refugees at the Strom Thurmond Refugee Camp outside of the Alaskan capital of Juneau. Notgerman gave his full support to the Canadian medical refugees, who have fled to the United States in order to get life-saving medical treatment unavailable in Canada where it can take as long as 5 years just to get an appointment for an appendectomy.

"This is what happens when a country's medical system is taken over by French-speaking communists," said Notgerman to Mrs. Irene MacLeish of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, who has been waiting for 17 years for an emergency reattachment of her right arm which was severed in May of 1986 during a freak potato peeling accident. "Canadians are people, too," Notgerman continued, "Even if they aren't real Americans."

Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that he was corked. "We're not sure why this didn't show up on previous medical examinations. We can only speculate that possibly this isn't the Vice-president the President has been using, or maybe he's been recently corked," said Dr. Hamala who examined Cheney.

Hamala explained that further examinations revealed that not only was the Vice-president brain made entirely of cork, but all his internal organs were as well. "The Vice-president is completely corked," said Ramala.

President Bush denied knowing that Cheney was corked. "I promise the American people that I had no idea he was corked," said Bush. "I was given several choices for Vice-president during the campaign, and I just picked him. I know I probably should've checked, and for that I am deeply sorry."

The Democratic presidential candidates were quick to attack the President on this issue. North Carolina Senator John Edwards at a campaign stop in Maine said, "You have to ask yourself was the President using a corked Vice-president when the tax cut was passed? Maybe the entire congress was corked when that was passed. I think it taints his presidency."

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle asked for an independent counsel to investigate how deeply the corking goes. "Is the entire cabinet corked?" said Daschle.

A source inside the White House said he was "surprised it was Cheney and not the President, himself who had cork for brain." These feelings mirror a recent poll by USA Today which showed 52% of Americans believed Bush lacked brain matter, while only 15% thought Cheney was brainless.

Bush claims that he would've won the 2000 election even without a corked Vice-president and Al Gore, when contacted at his home in Tennessee declined comment, but he did release a written statement which read, "It appears I wasn't the only one who was wooden on the campaign trail in 2000."

Chicago resident and baseball fan, Aaron Henry said, "First Sammy (Sosa) and now the President? I can't believe it. The next thing you know they'll tell us that Jenna Jameson was using a corked dildo all those years."

Washington D.C.—An ebullient President Bush, buoyed by the capture of Saddam Hussein, as well as economic indicators at home and high polling numbers, is contemplating not just winning the presidency of the United States, but also making a bid to be president of two other countries. Expecting a landslide at home and having a war chest of unprecedented wealth and no rival within his own party, Bush has asked Karl Rove let it be known that the presidencies of Venezuela and Denmark are also in play.

While he has yet to announce an official run in either country, President Bush has been speaking out on topics of importance in both Venezuela and Denmark.

President Bush often suggests that what Venezuela needs is huge tax cuts for its wealthy, greater exploitation of its rain forests, and an outside contractor, say, Halliburton, to take over its oilfields. When asked recently what country in the region is most important to Venezuela, Bush replied, “Syria. I think Venezuela needs to focus on the problem of Syria.”

As for Denmark, Bush prescribes a policy of massive tax cuts for the rich, greater exploitation of whatever it is that Denmark has to exploit and, said Bush, “Does Denmark have any oil? Because I know an outside contractor that could handle that. No? Windmills? Don’t they have some wildlife refuge we could drill in? What about if we drained all those dikes?”

When asked about Danish foreign policy, Bush said, “I think Denland needs to focus on the problem of Syria. Maybe Iran, but probably Syria. I just hope the problems between Denlia and Syria don’t drag the U.S. into any kind of conflict, because we’re peace-loving guys.”

Said one senior White House official, “Look, all the Democratic ducks are lining up behind Dean, and Dean is a man who tells it like it is. So he’s doomed. Of course the U.S. isn’t safer with the capture of Saddam Hussein. The man was living in a hole. What was he going to do, tunnel through the earth to blow up Manhattan? But you don’t go and say that. So Bush has the U.S. pretty well locked up. Now, winning three countries, that would be a coup.

“In the case of Venezuela, it may be a military coup.”

Boston, Mass. - Newly released medical research, published in The American Medical Journal, suggests that the vast majority of anti-war protesters are afflicted with the potentially deadly "Democrat Disease". This disease, thought to have been eradicated during the Regan era, appears to have resurfaced after 8 years of "disease friendly" policies by the Clinton administration. Frequently attacking the young, the disease can be fatal if left untreated. Many "terminal" victims of "Democrats Disease" suffer from impaired memory capacity, causing them to forget about things like Chappaquiddick while vocally defending human rights.

"What we are seeing", explains research Doctor James Huff, "is a pattern in the mental process of these victims which can lead to serious consequences." "Prolonged, untreated exposure to this disease can render the afflicted with a loss of common sense, awareness of surroundings, and a general loss of usefulness to society", Huff continued. "This is a very treatable disease, when detected early. For many young adults, leaving home and getting a job can quickly stamp out the disease. It appears the transition, from receiving handouts to paying for these handouts, is powerful treatment for "Democrat Disease". The next time you see war protesters, don't get mad at them, they can't help it if they have a disease."

Columbia, South Carolina -- Chest Notgerman, Neo-Whig candidate for president, introduced Elroy Jetson as his new science advisor during a campaign stop in South Carolina yesterday.

"I'm very pleased that Elroy has agreed to join the Notgerman team," said Notgerman. "Although he is only seven years old, Elroy Jetson has an astounding knowledge of quantum physics and nuclear chemistry, and he is spearheading efforts to bring 25th-century technology to the 21st century."

Notgerman then announced that after he is elected he will ask Elroy to co-ordinate efforts to develop an affordable flying car that folds into a lightweight briefcase.�

With his surprise announcement on Sixty Minutes last Sunday that he would not seek the Presidential nomination, Al Gore has opened up the presidential race, which will go on for the next two, seemingly endless years. At the present time, 1,389 candidates are vying for the chance to get shellacked by George W. Bush in a landslide defeat. Who are the top contenders?

John Kerry

Democrats know they need to play to their strengths. If there's one thing that can beat a Bush, it's a liberal from Massachusetts. It's the Dukakiss of death. Senator Kerry has a slew of advantages. He's a war hero in a time of patriotic fervor, and he commands a language of criticism that takes the battle to W's weakest policy decisions on matters both domestic and foreign. On the negative side, he has no eyes. A grim Northeastern shadow hides his face, with only a stern beak of a nose poking through to the light. But who wants a fun Democrat? Bill Clinton was fun, and what did that get us? Speaking of not fun, there's

Joe Lieberman

When Al Gore made his announcement of non-candidacy, you can bet this guy said, "Praise the Lord." Of course, he says praise the Lord when the diner table he's at has enough packets of Sweet-N-Low. This pompous bore's got more religiosity than Falwell. When the rest of us made the sane decision that the President's pecker was none of our business, he was up on the Senate floor shaking his finger. He's got the Jewish angle, which was novel two years ago. Also, he's a Republican, which might appeal to swing voters. However, swing voters don't like to be confused by side issues such as one's political positions, which brings us to

John Edwards

The North Carolina Senator is more than another pretty face from the South. As his main strategist Gary Pearce points out, "He's also very handsome. Plus, being from the South can really help his demographics." On top of that, he's got a charming smile, and a nice southern accent, which should appeal to those from the South. Having now served a full third of one term in elected office, Edwards has the experience to lead. He is bound to get some attention by taking firm positions, such as the U.S. needing to "show leadership" abroad and "strengthen our economic foundations" domestically. While some complain that he doesn't stand for much, Edwards counters those critics with a twinkle in penetrating eyes and his down-home southern manner. Besides, if you really want positions, there's always

Al Sharpton

His lopsided defeat in a mayoral election has catapulted Sharpton to the national stage. Republicans will no doubt bash Sharpton for "playing the race card," a common tactic analysts call "playing the race card card." It is of course despicable for black candidates to highlight issues of interest to black voters, but Sharpton's got a lot of opinions. He's a scruffy fighter who should make the primaries at least interesting, espouse some honest to goodness liberal views, and give the front-runner someone to crush on the way to the nomination. He's way too politically damaged, however, for having once believed the word of a young girl. Also, you should remember, in case you're living in the sanitized Hollywood/Washington dream world, that the U.S. is really racist and won't elect a black guy until well into the next century. Speaking of hopeless cases, there are

The Two Skulls

Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt, after leading the Democratic parties to commanding minority positions in the Senate and House, now have their eyes set on the White House. Each has his own unique way of looking as if there's no flesh on his head, Daschle with his jaggedly sharp cheekbones, and Gephardt with his eyebrow-less visage. Ironically, their political face is that of a fleshy man, able to bend to any Republican whim, with not a single bone of conviction. They should run as a single candidate. Some would suggest they call themselves Daschardt, but I prefer Gepschle. Their policy as President would be to give the Republicans everything they want and then complain about what a bad idea it was. And speaking of bad ideas, the Democrats could really win with

Trent Lott

It looks as though the Republicans won't have much more use for this poor guy (by poor, I mean rich, evil and fully deserving of his current pain), and the Democrats need to return to some core issues, so why not racism? If Lott ran as a Dixiecrat, he could conflict the Republican base (Bush has been rather weak on the bigotry front) and let's face it, Lott's doing a lot (Yes, an intentional Lott/lot pun! That never gets tired!) to get Democratic voters energized, so he might as well work for the Dems.

Whoever wins the nomination faces an uphill battle. George W. Bush is wildly popular for diverting attention from Afghanistan and Al Queda to a historically questionable confrontation and almost certain preemptive war with Iraq, and for giving the surplus to the hyper-rich during rough economic times. He should be impossible to beat, but politics is tricky. Just ask Al Gore.�

Montpelier, VT — Speaking before a large crowd of supporters at the annual Montpelier Che Guevara Appreciation Day Meatless Barbecue, Democrat presidential frontrunner Howard Dean announced that he has been diagnosed as suffering from “Humorless Liberal Syndrome” or HLS.

HLS is a serious neurological disorder that afflicts over 99.99% of leftwing Americans, according to information provided by the National HLS Foundation. Persons who suffer from HLS are born without the brain lobe that control’s one’s sense of humor, enjoyment of life and the ability to refrain from being pompous and taking oneself so seriously. Although the cause of HLS is not known for certain, clinical evidence does suggest that early childhood exposure to soymilk and National Public Radio talk shows is to blame.

While campaign officials are being tightlipped about the status of the candidate’s health, Broken Newz has learned that Dean is scheduled next week to receive an experimental funny bone transplant at the Mayo Clinic.

If successful, the marrow of the transplanted funny bone will stimulate the production of enzymes and brain tissue that will give Mr. Dean the physical ability to acquire a sense of humor after a six-month period of humor rehabilitation. Broken Newz has also learned that after his operation Mr. Dean will undergo rehabilitation at the Henny Youngman Clinic in Pasadena, California. The clinic has previously treated celebrity HLS sufferers such as Jerry Brown, Jimmy Carter and Gloria Steinem.

Paris - Lawyers for Democrat presidential candidate John F. “Frenchy” Kerry say that the Massachusetts senator will now delay accepting his party’s nomination until after the election in November.

“This is a very smart move,” said Herman Finsterbinder, a lawyer in private practice who was formerly on the legal staff of the Federal Elections Commission. “This allows Kerry to avoid all legal restrictions on his campaign, and if he loses the vote he can say that it really didn’t count since he had never received the nomination in the first place.”

Lawyers for the Republican National Committee are crying foul play. “This is a legal and moral outrage,” said Robert L. Schneider III, chief counsel for the RNC. “This is a deliberate attempt to circumvent the letter and spirit of our nation’s laws. And it just smells funny—like Boston Harbor on a warm summer night or a group of Mr. Kerry’s French friends who refuse to wear deodorant.”

The Kerry campaign responded to Mr. Schneider’s remarks by pointing out that great strides have been made in cleaning up Boston Harbor. The campaign did admit that most French people do smell kind of funny. �

Hollywood - Appearing on the Tonight Show last night, Chest Notgerman, Neo-Whig candidate for president who was just named as the "world's most eligible bachelor" by Playgirl Magazine, told host Jay Leno that after he is elected the position of First Lady will be filled on a "rotating basis."

"I think I'll keep three or four gals on tap for the job," said Notgerman. "They'll be a White House First Lady for state dinners and whatnot; a Western White House First Lady for when I'm on vacation at my bachelor pad in Vail; and an Air Force One First Lady for all of my travelling. I'll probably rotate them on a regular basis because I know they'll all want to be part of the Mile High Club."

Notgerman then sought to reassure the social-conservative wing of the Neo-Whig Party by reminding them that he is single and therefore entitled to have as many girlfriends as possible. "Like my great-grandfather always said, 'If you ain't tied the knot, you better get it while it's hot,'" said Notgerman to an obviously amused Leno. Notgerman concluded his appearance with an emotional appeal to the nation's swinging singles, which he says are the "forgotten heroes" of the American nation.

"Swinging singles are the backbone of this great nation of ours," said Notgerman as he choked back tears. "Married persons are always trying to get out of work with lame excuses about their children being sick, or refusing to work overtime because they claim they have to attend PTA meetings. It's the swinging singles who have to pick up the slack. And the swinging singles are the ones who are driving the economic recovery. They're the ones out there spending money while married couples sit at home and play canasta."

In related news, the Notgerman Campaign announced today that after the Neo-Whig candidate is elected his first official act will be to sign an executive order rescinding Mother's Day and Father's Day and replacing them with Bachelorette's Day and Bachelor's Day.�

Las Vegas -- In a widely praised speech delivered to the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce, Neo-Whig presidential candidate Chest Notgerman today stated that if elected to the presidency he intends to double or triple the so-called "marriage penalty," that is, the increased rate of taxation that married couples pay when they file joint income tax returns.

"Married people are a pain in the ass," said Notgerman. "They're boring and they're a drag on the American economy because they're always taking time off from work to take little Johnny or Susie to the doctor whenever they get a sniffle. America was built on the sweat of dedicated hardworking single persons who were busting their humps while the married people were lollygagging at some PTA meeting or such nonsense. I'm sick to death of lazy-ass unproductive married couples getting all the breaks. And if you're dumb enough to get married in the first place, you deserve to be taxed out the wazoo."

In related news, Jenna and Barbara Bush, the twin daughters of President George W. Bush, today announced that they are supporting the candidacy of Chest Notgerman over that of their father. "Like, we love our Dad," said Jenna Bush. "But Chest just sounds like he's a lot more fun and won't get so upset when we get drunk and puke all over the floor in the Oval Office."�

Are you tired of George Bush's wimpy war against terrorism? Are you sick of tax-and-spend liberals like John Kerry wanting to steal all of your hard-earned dollars?

Then join the Neo-Whig Ninjas and help us to Take It to the Street!!!!

As a Neo-Whig Ninja you will be trained in martial arts and supply-side economics. You will then be able to defend the fiscally conservative and socially libertine principles of Neo-Whiggery with the brainpower of Milton Friedman and the physical prowess of Bruce Lee.

Neo-Whig Ninjas provide security at all Neo-Whig campaign rallies and at Neo-Whig headquarters throughout the United States.

If you think you have what it takes to wear the red, white and blue hood of a Neo-Whig Ninja give us a call today at 1-800-NEO-WHIG.�

Dayton, Ohio - Speaking before a capacity crowd at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base today, Chest Notgerman, Neo-Whig candidate for President, denounced President George Bush's approach to the War Against Terror as "wimpish" and "not worthy of a troop of French girl scouts." Notgerman was particularly dismayed at Bush's refusal to use the "nuclear option."

"We have all of these bombers at Wright-Patterson fueled and loaded with H-bombs," said Notgerman. "And what are they doing? Sitting on the tarmac. That's just wrong. A nuclear deterrence is only as good as the willingness to employ it. And let me assure you, in a Notgerman administration the brave, God-fearing bomber pilots of the American Air Force are going to be showing the world that the United States means business."

Notgerman then outlined what he termed the "Notgerman Doctrine," which he said will be the guiding force behind the foreign policy of the first Neo-Whig Administration. Simply put, the Notgerman Doctrine advocates the use of nuclear retaliation against any country that votes against the United States in the United Nations. The doctrine also calls for periodic nuclear bombing of PITA (pain in the ass) countries (e.g., France, Germany, Turkey) to remind them of who's boss.�

Wapakoneta, Ohio - In the auditorium of the Neal Armstrong Museum last night, Neo-Whig presidential candidate Chest Notgerman easily bested his opponents, Republican incumbent George W. Bush and Democrat challenger Howard Dean, in a policy debate that took the unusual format of a poetry slam.

It was clearly Notgerman's night as the Neo-Whig standard bearer was the only one of the three debaters who was able to find a rhyme for Wapakoneta ("bet'cha"). And the judges seemed to be clearly irritated at President Bush's insistence on slavishly imitating Emily Dickinson ("Because I could not stop liberals from taxing and spending, He kindly stopped for me"). Democrat Dean fared no better in the scoring with his Dr. Seuss shtick ("I am Dean. I am mean.").

The League of Women Voters, the sponsors of the presidential debates, have just announced that the next presidential debate will take place in two weeks on the campus of H. Rap Brown Community College in Passaic, New Jersey. The format of the debate will be a Platonic dialogue conducted in Pig Latin.

(Boston)-- Speaking before the annual meeting of the National Hibernian Council, Neo-WHIG presidential candidate Chester "Chest" Notgerman told the assembled members that they should "quit getting their Irish up" about political correctness. "The way you drunks carry on about political correctness, you'd think you were jungle bunnies. I mean, when you Irish are sober-and that doesn't happen very often-all you seem to do is blow each other up in Londonderry or some other god-forsaken place where you potato-eaters hang out."

Notgerman's controversial remarks were hailed by free speech advocates who say that the Neo-WHIG presidential candidate's refreshing honesty and willingness to "tell it like it is" make the 2004 race a watershed event in American political history.

Currently Notgerman is leading George W. Bush by 9 points in the polls, even among Irish-Americans, most of whom are too hungover to make it to the polling booths on Election Day anyway.�

Madison, Wisconsin - Speaking before a rally sponsored by College Neo-Whigs for Notgerman, Chest Notgerman, Neo-Whig candidate for president, electrified the crowd by revealing his plan to tax heavily those who below the poverty line.

"People need an incentive to succeed," said Notgerman. "And we're going to give them one. When I am elected I will propose to Congress the Poor Person's Tax Surcharge Act that will impose a 90% tax on all incomes falling below the so-called 'poverty line.' That ought to get their attention. Those minimum wage jobs at McDonald's will start to look pretty good."

Notgerman told the crowd that his economic plan envisions 12% annual growth in GDP and 110% employment. "It's simple. The more you make, the less you pay. Now get out there and do your patriotic duty by earning loads of money."�

July 4th 2003 Las Vegas-McCarran International Airport - Combining American patriotism and campaigning necessity, Chest Notgerman has set off to the land of tyranny to locate the head of Saddam Hussein.

"I feel privileged to be able to aid my fellow Americans by making it a little safer to sleep at night, fight for the little Iraqi in all of us, offer the Neowhig support to our fighting men and women standing strong in a foreign wasteland and to help make my campaign fund a little bigger.

Notgerman will be taking a small group to assist in his quest. The group will be led by Neowhig Campaign Strategist William Grim. Grim had spent a good part of the recent Iraqi skirmish on the front line as a journalist for Broken Newz.

"If he is still alive, we will find him." Says Grim, "We will look under every ounce of rubble, each square inch of his remaining bunkers, and every gay bar in eastern Baghdad.

Fargo, ND - In a wide-ranging speech before the Fargo Council on Foreign Affairs and Quilting Bee, Neo-Whig presidential candidate Chest Notgerman today said that he supports SDI (Strategic Defense Initiative) and will work tirelessly to see that America builds a fleet of galaxy-class starships with both phaser and photon-torpedo capabilities.

In the same speech Notgerman reiterated his opposition to PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome) and vowed to make it priority one of the Notgerman justice department.

"PMS is a national disgrace," Notgerman declared. "It's the leading cause of crime in the United States. I know that there are many who have come out in favor of the de-criminalization of PMS, but I believe that if we were to do so it would send the wrong signal to our young children and it would be a slap in the face to the millions of people every year who are the victims of PMS-related crimes."

In related news, Gynecologists for Social Responsibility today announced that they are officially endorsing the candidacy of Chest Notgerman for the presidency. This brings to a total of 837 the number of professional organizations that have officially endorsed the Neo-Whig candidate.�

Branson, Missouri - Two more mega-celebrities, TV great Soupy Sales and the mammarily-gifted dancer/actress Morgana the Kissing Bandit, have given their endorsements to the Notgerman/Offenberger ticket.

"I'd like to thank Soupy and Morgana for all of the support they have given this campaign," said Chest Notgerman last night during a campaign appearance at the Andy Williams Dinner Theater in downtown Branson. "I'd especially like to thank Morgana for all of those late-night strategy sessions. It's really helped to bring the campaign into focus and I have to say that I'm a much more relaxed candidate."

Columbia, South Carolina -- Chest Notgerman, Neo-Whig candidate for president, introduced Elroy Jetson as his new science advisor during a campaign stop in South Carolina yesterday.

"I'm very pleased that Elroy has agreed to join the Notgerman team," said Notgerman. "Although he is only seven years old, Elroy Jetson has an astounding knowledge of quantum physics and nuclear chemistry, and he is spearheading efforts to bring 25th-century technology to the 21st century."

Notgerman then announced that after he is elected he will ask Elroy to co-ordinate efforts to develop an affordable flying car that folds into a lightweight briefcase.�

Dan Kilian - Broken Newz�

New York, NY-The stock market tanked on Monday, when investors realized that war means uncertainty and killing. It went back up on Tuesday, prompting some economists to predict a boom. That upswing was tempered however, by news that the Senate had realized that war means expense and sacrifice. "We can't pass a gigundous tax cut," admitted Ohio Republican Senator George V. Voinovich, "We're broke. We can only pass a gigantic tax cut. In the face of a multi-billion dollar war expense, we can only muster half the denial we normally could." This bad news aside, gains on the war front are certain to foster more speculation, to be followed by rampant sell-offs every time General Tommy Franks sneezes.

"It's the new, new economy," said Goldman Sachs analyst Colin Fairbanks, "Instead of a bubble, this war will generate countless little bubblets, which will rise and pop in a much faster succession. I would say the stock market is like ginger ale. Ginger ale that can ruin your pension. It's like we say at Goldman Sachs, 'Volatility is the new stability.'"

Individual tickers had mixed news this week. Defense contractors did well, as did Halliburton and other wartime industries. McDonalds took a hit, when its attempt to capitalize on the war with blood-flavored shakes didn't generate expected profits. Many blame the "ARE YOU BLOOOODTHIRSTY YET?" ad campaign. "Too subtle," complained marketing guru Sebastian Bunktle.

Secretary of the Treasury John Snow tried to put the new new economy into perspective, "You know, the whole economic upsurge generated by war mobilization during WWII was more an argument for socialism than for war. War is a resource draining exercise in destruction, generating instability not just in geo-political terms, but economically as well. But don't worry, I have enough money to ride out the rough patches and cynically capitalize on what benefits there are. And of course, our total lack or fiscal responsibility is something people in my income bracket can exploit personally. I'd pity the average working man, of course, if I ever saw any. Want to get some sushi?"

When asked how long regular 401K investors could expect wartime reverberations to generate stock market volatility, Colin Fairbanks punched a series of numbers into his calculator, mumbling, "Mmm… hmmm… ahummm…Ah yes. Forever."�

The Notgermans know hard work; in fact, they invented it. The Notgermans have been producing inexpensive casual wear in Haiti for large corporations since the early 1940's. The values of hard work (and exploiting child labor) have been passed down from generation to generation, making Chest the man he is today. Chest's grandparents came to America after fleeing Germany during World War II. They decided to change their name from Von Nichtdeutsch to the more "Americanized" Notgerman. After a few months living a precarious existence in the Hell's Kitchen section of New York City, they settled into the Remlington, West Virginia area and began planting roots for an all-American family.

Chest's father, Juergen "Biff" Notgerman, was a West Virginia State Senator in the 60's and 70's. Senator Biff Notgerman was credited with increasing state funding for private schools and reducing the income taxes of high-income families. Who can forget his famous campaign slogan, "Why Penalize Success?" His greatest accomplishment was in 1974 when the "Notgerman Omnibus Crime Bill" was passed outlawing life sentences and imposing mandatory death sentences via forced rectal insertion of a large steel pole for offenses including overdue library books and public urination. Senator Notgerman was often referred to as Biff the Impaler.

Chest's mother, June Notgerman, was instrumental in creating WROHP (Women Running Off Husband's Power) an organization established to protect the interests of the top 1% of American women. WROHP was the organization that forced the FDA to make certain prescription medications more accessible to at-risk high-income families (Valium Act of 1965).

Biff and June Notgerman gave birth to Chest on January 2, 1969 in a log cabin on the old Notgerman homestead outside of Sistersville, West Virginia. Though both of Chest's parent were burdened with hectic schedules, Chest manage to live a happy childhood with the love and care of many non-English speaking nannies.

In 1976, Chest entered the South Florida Beach Military academy. There he developed many of the leadership skills he still holds today. Chest was leader of the Entertainment Battalion and Captain of the Tennis Squad.

In 1989 Chest attended Yale University. He easily floated to the top 3% of his class and graduate with honors. Afterwards he began practicing law in New York with the prestigious firm of Benton, Bueller and Carnes.

Within two years Chest managed to make partner. Everything he touched turned to gold. However, there was always a burning feeling deep down in his chest that something was not right. Sure, there were the supermodels, swanky Upper East Side penthouse and seven figure salary, but Chest knew that there was more to life than just mindless sex and conspicuous consumption. Then, on April 1, 2002, while perusing porn on the internet, Chest accidentally discovered the Neo-Whig website and became enthralled with the political theories of William Grim and William Doty, referred to respectively as the Cicero and Marcus Aurelius of the New Millennium. And from that day on, Chest Notgerman decided to devote his life to the Gospel of Neo-Whiggism.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Terrorism-- While the Neo-Whig Party is generally supportive of President Bush's policy of pre-emptive strikes against terror nations, we believe that the Bush Doctrine doesn't go far enough. When elected, the Smithy Administration will establish the Nuke 'Em If They Look Cross-eyed Doctrine which asserts America's right to asswhup any nation that develops a 'tude.

The United Nations-- The Neo-Whig Party believes that the United Nations is very valuable, especially its headquarters on the East River of Manhattan. When elected, the Smithy Administration will immediately begin negotiations to convert the UN into condos.

NATO-- The Neo-Whig Party favors moving the headquarters of NATO from Brussels to Warsaw. Additionally, when elected, the Smithy Administration will call for the capital of Poland to be moved from Warsaw to Berlin.

EU-- The Neo-Whig Party believes that the European Union and the mighty European Union Army provide an effective means to hold in check the growing military and territorial aspirations of Montenegro. When elected, the Smithy Administration will pull both American troops out of Montenegro.

Free Trade and Globalization-- The Neo-Whig Party is firmly committed to the principle of free trade and will not rest until every Third World village has a Starbucks. When elected, the Smithy Administration will establish a Department of Franchises and Malls in order to assist in the complete takeover of foreign markets by American-owned businesses.

Canada-- The Neo-Whig Party believes that good relations between our two great countries are essential for world peace. When elected, the Smithy Administration will negotiate a landswap deal with Canada where the United States gets British Columbia and Alberta in exchange for Canada taking Massachusetts and West Virginia.

Mexico-- The Neo-Whig Party believes that immigration from Mexico should continue unhindered as long as all of the Mexican women crossing the border look like Selma Hayek. When elected, the Smithy Administration will establish aesthetic standards for immigration from Mexico and other Latin American countries.

France-- The Neo-Whig Party favors the restoration of the Bourbon monarchy in France. When elected, the Smithy Administration will assist Louis LXXVIII, the heir to the throne, and the Free French Forces in overthrowing the criminal Chirac regime.

The Middle East-- The Neo-Whig Party is in favor of a joint Christian-Jewish Crusade to rid the Holy Land of infidels. When elected, the Smithy Administration will signal to Yassir Arafat through diplomatic channels that it's time for him to kiss his sorry ass goodbye. Wait, are we too late here? �

What We Believe

1. Looking good on camera does not make one an expert at anything (except looking good on camera). The combined IQ of Hollywood is less than the total number of teeth of three randomly selected West Virginians.

2. Political correctness is a polite expression for Stalinism. Vegetarians are basically evil people. (Hitler was a vegetarian.) And Tea-Totalers are condemned to Eternity to Hell. (Jesus drank wine and that's good enough for me.)

3. I forgot what I was going to say, but it was a good one. Trust me!

4. Globalism is good. Starbucks is good; Coca-Cola is good; Barnes & Noble is good. And let's face it, most independent bookstores suck out the wazoo.

5. People who don't like jazz are communists and/or perverts.

6. The Dixie Chicks are not hot; Shania Twain, on the other hand, is mega-hot.

7. Too much money is spent on the retarded. We want it drastically reduced. Besides, it's not like they'll even notice it.

8. The Death Penalty is good and its use should be extended, perhaps to overdue library books or spammers

9. The designated hitter rule is an abomination and should be eliminated from the American League.

10. Soccer is a sissy sport.

11. Groundhog Day should be a national holiday.

12. Speed limits and parking meters should be unconstitutional.�

1. Eliminate income tax. Replace with jackass tax.

2. Mandatory death penalty for grafitti.

3. Geneva Concention does not apply to the French.

4. Owl is the symbol of the Neo-Whig Party because we're smarter than everyone else.

5. Judges and lawyers must wear white wigs at all times, even in the shower. Hey, we are the Neo-WHIG Party after all.

6. Fat chicks prohibited from wearing low-riders and belly shirts.

7. Every town with a population of over 400 must have at least one Starbucks, preferably two.

8. All flight attendants must be female, under the age of 30, unmarried and Swedish.

9. Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Vermont to lose statehood and revert to colony status.

10. Speed limits and parking meters to be prohibited by constitutional amendment.

11. "What, Me Worry?" to replace E Pluribus Unum as national motto.

12. John Wayne to replace FDR on dime.

13. Operation Self-Esteem--free breast implants for all women smaller than 40D.

14. Income tax marriage penalty to be increased. We're tired of swinging singles having to support the wasteful lifestyles of married persons with children.

15. All beer, wine and liquor containers will be required to sport labels extolling the health benefits of daily adult beverage consumption.

16. Operation Latino Outreach-- bull-fighting will be legalized in all 50 states.

17. Corporal punishment will be re-instituted in the public schools, and capital punishment where needed.

18. The State of the Union Address will be given in Latin, and U.S. senators will be required to wear togas when they are in the Senate chambers.

19. The name of the Commonwealth of Virginia will be changed to East Virginia.

20. The United States will commit itself to developing a dilithium-based warp drive engine by the year 2025. �